


leave me your stardust to remember you by

by thatsformetoknow



Series: portfolio [3]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Langst, M/M, Spoilers for S5, and he misses his mama, and he struggles a lot with letting krolia in and bonding with her, but lance is there to pick up the pieces when keith falls apart, but there, even if hes broken himself, keith is away with the blade, lance is homesick and he feels alone, lance misses the moon, not described in detail, only mild, then keith comes back, this is pretty much langst, tw: panic attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-28 09:00:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13900695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatsformetoknow/pseuds/thatsformetoknow
Summary: Lance finds himself standing on the castle deck, looking out into the endless abyss that is the blackened sky speckled with the brightest stars he’s ever seen and it’s beautiful. Really, it’s beautiful. And he’s seen a thousand moons by now, it must be nearing, but they’re all wrong. They’re breathtakingly stunning and they glow red and purple and they shimmer and glisten into the night and Lance loves to watch them as they drift through space.They’re drifting right now, aimlessly floating as the castle sleeps. There are large stars and tiny specs that he thinks he could call stars but he could never say for sure. He looks, of course he looks. He looks and he aches and he aches because perhaps it’s not pink and its not blue, and it doesn’t glitter against the sky and yes, maybe it’s grey and jagged but it shimmers on the water and Lance has never been more in love with anything than the moon; their moon,hismoon.





	leave me your stardust to remember you by

Lance finds himself standing on the castle deck, looking out into the endless abyss that is the blackened sky speckled with the brightest stars he’s ever seen and it’s beautiful. Really, it’s beautiful. And he’s seen a thousand moons by now, it must be nearing, but they’re all wrong. They’re breathtakingly stunning and they glow red and purple and they shimmer and glisten into the night and Lance loves to watch them as they drift through space.

They’re drifting right now, aimlessly floating as the castle sleeps. There are large stars and tiny specs that he thinks he could call stars but he could never say for sure. He looks, of course he looks. He looks and he aches and he aches because perhaps it’s not pink and its not blue, and it doesn’t glitter against the sky and yes, maybe it’s grey and jagged but it shimmers on the water and Lance has never been more in love with anything than the moon; their moon, _his_ moon.

He makes no attempt to stop the familiar prick behind his eyes because at least he knows he can cry here; that there’s no one to watch and laugh, no one to impress. He isn’t sure of why, and maybe it’s just a reflection of who he’s painted himself to be. Maybe he’s painted himself as the clown so damned much that that’s all they can see. That’s all they can see and there’s nothing else; there isn’t a boy, a very small boy who looks at the sky for the dullest planet he can find and aches. They see a flirt who makes jokes and they don’t see a boy who aches for his Mama, who aches to be held and rocked to sleep as he cries and his room is cold, it’s oh so cold.

He thinks to Shiro and he feels the warmth spill onto his cheek and he wrinkles his face up, because damn it, it’s pathetic. He thinks to harsh words and angry glares and maybe he knows deep down that Shiro is right. He aches for the old Voltron, when he piloted Blue and didn’t have the responsibility of being anyone’s right-hand-man. And then he thinks to Keith and if he aches for him? No one needs to know. He knows that despite not being a very good conversationalist, Keith at least always listened. Keith listened to Lance and they worked together and he misses it. Misses having someone around to tease and rile up because it’s been far too solemn around here lately. 

It doesn’t help, he supposes, just how easily replaceable he is; even if Keith says he isn’t in not so many words he knows. He knows, of course he does, because even Hunk, even his best friend is barely there anymore. It’s team Punk now – they’ve said it often enough and he can hardly stand to third wheel because he can’t stop his mind, can’t shut it up like he can’t now and he knows he isn’t good enough, knows that everyone else is better in one way or another, but that doesn’t stop it from hurting, doesn’t stop it from cutting and Lance doesn’t stop himself from crying any more just retreats to his room and it’s such an effort to breathe sometimes, like there is water in his lungs and he’s drowning from the inside and he has to remind himself; take a breath. 

And so he stops speaking when Shiro does, stops being where he knows the others will be. Shiro must appreciate the silence, the clarity of thought without Lance bumbling on about something that is clearly not worth his time. And so Lance does the only thing he knows how; and he goes to the training room and trains because he’ll be damned if he falls behind. He’ll be damned if he gets replaced without a fight and besides, isn’t that what Keith always did? Keith was always training and Keith was always the best. Is. Is always the best. 

He sees them at meal times and he sees them on missions but his eyes feel so heavy and he just feels so heavy that he can’t. He goes to his room and he sits and he stares at the wall. He goes to the training deck and practices until he’s gasping for air and his limbs ache and he’s bruised. He goes to the deck and he looks at the stars and he searches for the moon and he comes back disappointed. Always disappointed. He aches and he aches and he aches and he wishes he’d never wanted to be a pilot in the first place. Wishes he’d done something mundane and stayed in school and gone to college and gotten a job. Might have met a nice girl and settled down and maybe they’d have adopted a kitten together.

Instead here he is, watching the stars and it’s the most breathtaking sight he’s ever seen and he resents it, oh, how he resents it because his family think he’s dead. They must. Disappeared without a trace and it’s been months. It’s been so many months now it may even have been years and Lance doesn’t know. Doesn’t know how old he is, but knows he’s missed birthdays.

Worse, though, he knows they’ve missed his birthday’s and they think he’s dead and he doesn’t even want to comprehend how it must affect them every day but he does and he’s sobbing and he can’t stop, oh god, he can’t stop because he aches for his mothers arms and he wants to plait Veronica’s hair and let her paint his nails and he wants to go to Marco’s football games and listen to Louis complain of how much he hates the sport. He wants to make his grandmother the special tea that she loves and pick his mother wild flowers in the spring just to see her face when she comes home and they’re there in a vase with a ribbon tied neatly around them.

He aches. 

It’s been so long now he thinks it might have worn off, the homesickness; he’s a Paladin of Voltron, a Defender of the Universe. There are bigger things than missing your family, people’s lives are at stake and he’s selfish, so, so selfish for wishing it was never him that came, never him that Blue chose. And so he sobs, in a heap on the floor, looking blearily out into the void, the never ending sky, and he knows that he’ll never find the moon.

Keith comes home. Keith comes home and for a minute, for a wonderful minute everything feels okay again because it’s the five of them, as it should be. But then Keith introduces them to Krolia, his mother and he’s tentative and Lance can sense the anxiety under the surface and Lance is happy, he’s so, so happy. He hugs Keith and Keith lets him and he flirts with his mother because he’s _Lance_ and that’s what he’s supposed to do. They eat, as a team; as a family, and for once Lance doesn’t feel like the outsider because things feel right because Shiro is leader and Keith is second in command and Lance is just a leg. A wonderful, wonderful leg. 

But he isn’t. And things aren’t fine because Keith’s mother is there and Lance hates himself, he really, really hates himself for the stabbing jealousy he feels in his gut because he wants his mother. Wants his own mother. He hates himself because he wishes that Keith never found her because then he wouldn’t have to watch Keith find his family when Lance knows he will never find his. Hates himself because he hates Krolia because he wants Keith to himself, wants to tease him and fight with him and shout and yell and hug and hold him all at once and its a rush, it’s the most emotions he’s felt for a while.

He doesn’t hate Krolia, not really. He finds himself watching the two interact with a tender smile on his face and he makes fun of Keith because god, did he really inherit a mullet? But then he goes back to his room, because he knows that Keith wants to show Krolia around and Hunk, Pidge and Matt are all together in Green’s hangar working on something that Lance is not invited to, and Shiro, Allura and Lotor are discussing matters that Keith would have been involved in but Lance is not. Lance doesn’t know where Coran is, but he doesn’t feel like interacting, doesn’t feel like putting on a front and so he goes to his room for a while and he sits and does nothing but think. He can’t shut it up, can never shut his mind up and he hates and he hates and he hates himself, and he doesn’t know what he wants. Not really.

It’s late by the time Lance finally emerges, he knows from the eerie silence that fills the halls. 

He makes his way down to Red’s hangar, thinking maybe she can talk some sense into him when he hears hushed voices. He lingers just outside for a moment, listening and he shouldn’t, of course he shouldn’t, but he does.

‘Keith-’ Krolia says and Lance can sense the desperation in her voice, and Lance jumps as Keith shouts.

‘Shut up!’ Lance doesn’t dare move. ‘Shut the hell up! Where were you? My whole life?’

‘Keith, you have to understand-’

‘No! I won’t! I won’t understand what could justify you leaving! What justified you ruining my life! Making me like I am!’ Keith’s voice cracks and Lance springs into action, coming round the doorway in time to see Keith collapsing into broken sobs and attempting to push Krolia away from him as she moves to comfort him.

‘Keith.’ Lance sas softly, rushing to his side. ‘It’s okay. You’re okay.’ He can recognise the signs of a panic attack from a mile off, and he turns to Krolia. ‘You’d best go.’ He says coldly and he can see her about to protest. ‘I mean it.’

With a glance to her son, she reluctantly turns and leaves the hangar, leaving Keith and Lance alone.

‘Keith, Keith- listen to me, okay? You just have to breathe. Breath with me, yes? In- hold- and out. Again.’

Lance repeats his breathing exercises until Keith’s breathing has returned to a semi-normal pace and his tears stop and he coughs hoarsely.

‘Sorry.’

‘What are you apologising for?’ Lance asks confusedly.

‘Red.’ He says, gesturing to the lion behind them and Lance shrugs. 

‘It’s fine. I promise. She’s still yours too, you know?’

Keith weakly laughs. ‘Is it bad that I wish I’d never met her?’ He asks as Lance helps him up.

‘No, I wouldn’t say so.’ Lance replies, thinking about what Keith said.

They walk slowly back to Lance’s room and sit on the bed.

‘It’s just- my whole life. Everything I am, is because of her. Because she left me, and she’s here and she’s so nice and I want to love her I want to forgive her but how can I?’

He can see Keith clenching his jaw in an attempt not to cry and Lance lays a hand on Keith’s shoulder; he has to know it’s okay, has to know Lance won’t think any less of him. 

He pulls Keith against his chest and he can feel the dampening of his shirt but he doesn’t mind, just holds him like he knows his Mama would hold him and strokes his back and rocks him gently.

‘I don’t know, Keith.’ Lance says and he doesn’t realise just how broken it sounds until he hears himself talk. 

‘I don’t know what to do.’ Keith admits.

‘I think-’ Lance begins, loosening his grip on Keith but not allowing him to pull away just yet. ‘I think things will work themselves out. You have every right to be angry with her; what she did was unforgivable, but our parents are our parents and somehow, even when they don’t deserve it – we forgive them because they’re all we’ve got. Be angry while you need to, but let things work themselves out, okay?’

Keith nods against his chest and Lance is happy with that advice. He parts from Keith momentarily to lay down and pull the covers back. He opens his arms to Keith and he sees Keith hesitate for a moment but he’s quick to lay down next to him, nestling into Lance as he pulls the covers up around them.

Lance can tell by the way Keith clings to him that Keith has never been held for this long before, never been held through the night and maybe that’s because he never had anyone who cared enough to. But Lance will be damned if he lets another person on this ship feel alone. Not Keith. Never Keith.

And if he has to watch as Shiro talks and listens to Keith and shuns Lance then so be it. If he has to give the Red Lion back to Keith and go without then so be it. If he has to take the back seat to let Keith and Krolia bond then he will.

He’ll be there to pick up the pieces when Keith falls apart and he’ll be there to put him back together, because Lance may not be whole. Lance may not be alright, but he’ll happily break himself just to put Keith back together.

**Author's Note:**

> ;o; im sorry my son i love you i swear
> 
> i just,,,, i have a lot of emotions about s5 and,,,,,, 
> 
> im gay for crayola how about you


End file.
